Monday, November 28, 2011

Not quite there yet

My stress level has not been this high in a while. Things can sometimes seem OK to me. Maybe we have just been coasting for a bit. Just getting by. It all has become so normal, that it doesn't get under my skin as much as it once did. But then something makes me snap to, and realize that a lot of what I am seeing is a whole lot of smoke and mirrors. I am seeing something that isn't really there. I am becoming too comfortable living with uncertainty.

But for the last few days, it just seems so totally unacceptable. It is all around me, and I can't seem to escape it. I can't look away, and act like this is all a temporary place we are in, and if I wish hard enough, and if I do good deeds, and if I am patient, the winds of change will start to blow in our direction, pushing us where we need to go. The better place. The place where we can breathe, and get ahead. Not continue to fall behind. I am so tired of stumbling. I am exhausted from all of the waiting. Hope helps you to get by, but only for so long.

When I open my eyes in the morning, I never feel rested. I feel like I am drugged, and I just want to turn over, and burrow further under my blanket. I feel so detached from people. Even my own children. I hate even writing that, let alone feeling it. Just going through the motions. Breakfast, laundry, cleaning, picking up, lunch, childcare that seems never ending. Just waiting to lie in bed. That is what I feel like each day. I am just biding my time. For sleep, that never comes.

Yesterday, I thought of Molly, in high school. That distant time and place seemed overwhelming to me. Like it was light years ahead. It made my head hurt just thinking about it. Some days, I feel so old. For a moment, I wondered if I would be there. Would I physically make it. Turning 40 hasn't helped. I know I am not old. But I am no longer young. I am in this weird state of limbo. I have gone in the direction I thought I was supposed to be heading, but I am not quite there yet.

I read about a woman who had three small children, and a husband, and was diagnosed with Stage 3 colon cancer. She was panicked at the thought of her children growing without her. I couldn't even imagine. The thought alone made me cringe. She also asked herself these questions. "Did I accomplish enough in my life? Is there anything I wanted to do?"

I keep asking myself this. And I keep coming up with the same answers.

Maybe it is the awful Christmas pressure bearing down on us that is making me feel like this. Maybe it is the change of season. I hate when the trees have no leaves on them. No matter how bright the sun, it still looks so cold out. It seems so desolate. So exposed.

1 comment:

  1. I hate this time of year. It's just grey out there. I hate not having leaving on the trees or flowers in my garden. Worse, my night vision when I drive is crummy, so going places after dark (which I swear is when school lets out), can be interesting as my daughter likes to say....(I just can't see crap at night.)

    And the holidays always make me think of my family. This year, I am really going to try harder to focus on my family that matters and hope to drown out all the bad memories. This is my goal and this is what I keep telling myself I'm going to do.