Last night, I showed David a picture of Olivia wrapped in a towel, fresh from a bath. Her eyes were wild. Her smile, gigantic. She must have been 4 months old. I said to him, "Remember her?" He smiled. I said, "I miss her". He said "She is sitting right over there".
Not really. You know?
This picture of Molly's feet was taken exactly one year ago today. I had just polished her toenails for the first time. She loved them, and could not stop looking at them. She picked all of the polish off so I would paint them again.
Her feet have gotten so much bigger. I look at those tiny baby toes, and I want to cry. I am sad how much time stress, and anxiety and worry over things that had not yet happened, have robbed me of time with what is right in front of my face.
Worry over the same worries I have today, has done nothing. I cannot walk around and pretend that it is all OK, but I wish, at that very moment, when those toes were that tiny, I had maybe worried a bit less.
Maybe next year, things will be really bad. But today, I have what I have. And what that is is something. Maybe it is the Fall, and the lighting, that has a way of making me feel so nostalgic. I know I am sounding like a broken record as of late. I just feel that the laws of attraction may have something to them. And worrying about worrying about worrying, has my head spinning most days, and unaware of my very now.
Maybe putting all that energy and time in a different direction will point us in one.