Saturday, March 23, 2013


Davids great uncle died the other day. His Uncle Al. He was 98. He was such a sweet man. Always dressed with a pressed shirt, and tie. A cute little sweater over that. Perfectly shined shoes. He had long eyelashes and sparkly blue eyes.

 His wife died a few years ago, and he has been so terribly sad since. Up until recently, he still signed her name along with his on birthday cards, and Christmas cards. Her name was Charlotte, just like my Charlotte, and he had a special place in his heart for my girl because of that. 

I have been working at the restaurant every night. We really need the money. David gets paid this Friday, so between all the bills we have, and the cars that are just barely getting us to and from our jobs, my tip money will help buy groceries. I couldn't go with David and the girls to Long Island, because I had to be at work, so they left yesterday without me, to go to the wake and funeral.

I always want time alone. I never get it. I constantly have a child with me. And if I don't, I am at work. I thought it would be fun to have some time alone. But watching them pull out of the driveway yesterday, in a car that I just prayed would get them there and back without overheating, or breaking down, I felt really stressed watching them go.

I thought I would relish in being alone. And actually, for about an hour, I did. But then it got really lonely. And the house was so quiet. And the girls rooms seemed so dark each time I passed by them. I read some of my book. I watched garbage on TV. I even took a nap. 

I finally went to bed, and at least I had the dogs to keep me company. All in all, it was lonely. 

BUT....I slept until 10:30!!! And the neat condition I left the living room and kitchen in, remained the same. I feel rested like I haven't in years. 

Amazing what a little sleep can do for you. Not so cloudy, up there, in my head,today.

I can't wait for the car to pull in the driveway, though.

 I miss and love those beings so very much.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Received both a 72 hour shut off notice for our water, and a 10 day shut off for our electric.

 Davids' car is in desperate need of repair, and so is mine. Not much cash until next week. I some days can't take the stress. I really can't. I have been working every night at the restaurant, yet we are barely scraping by. 

I can't take much more of this.

Friday, March 15, 2013

Oh yeah...did I mention the new dog? Pablo. He was headed to the pound. What could I say?

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Separation of blog and column

So...what has had me struggling in this space for quite some time is that the posts I write here are published as my weekly column, in my local paper. This has crippled me. Literally, I have been unable to write. While I enjoy the column, and being published weekly, I do not enjoy the "notoriety". By this, I am speaking of everything I write about, be it good, or bad, being openly discussed every where I go. This includes the grocery store, Girl Scouts, Library, drug store, doctors get where I am going with this. It is discussed with everyone, and to be honest, as I always try to be, it has left me feeling, dishonest.

Not lying, mind you. Just withholding information. I get that I have a blog, to be read by one and all. I really do. But when people start to read it, local people, in particular, it makes the relief of writing, and getting it out of my head, and throwing it into cyberspace (just aged myself!) not so anonymous anymore. I would like to vent about what is really paining me, or making me filled with joy, but some days, I just don't want one and all to discuss it with me. I just sort of hoped that by allowing you to peek into my diary, it would just sort of remain there, and not be up for a chat in the meat department. Silly, I know, but some days, I don't even want to go out in my own town, as I just don't want to talk about it. You know?

Really, it is the harsh words that hurt the most. When you put out your first world problems, expect to get it back. And I have, tenfold. Mostly wonderful reader comments. But some really nasty people out there make it a habit of talking down to me, and you know, I am made of flesh, and blood. It hurts. Especially when people criticize my parenting. That folks, is off limits, unless I have committed a crime. And I have not, so it borders on a little too close for comfort.

But, I got the go ahead from my editor to begin writing my columns in Word form, for word count purposes. This may seem like not much, but it is HUGE for me. I can separate the two. I can keep my space here, and most likely will have to endure some criticism, but I can take that. I loved this space, and it was beginning to feel like a place that I no longer wanted to deal with, as opposed to what it started out as.

Now, I can write my column. And it won't appear here, unless you click on the link above to specifically view it. I can just spew here, which I really could use to do.  I no longer feel like I have to make a post here, because I have a deadline. I can post just because I want to.

And that makes me feel so free.

 Thanks for sticking with me through this.