Wednesday, October 16, 2013

$55.00. That is all we have, and payday isn't until next Friday. Not this Friday. Next. 

I am not sure how we are going to do this. 

I am so scared. Beyond stressed. 


Thursday, October 3, 2013

 Painted this because I love Bielen's work.
 This bear was my lunch date.
 The view from Olivia's school library.
 This face. I just adore her. 4 is amazing.
I feel so much love for this little guy.


Saturday, September 21, 2013

Can't keep on top of the clutter. I realized yesterday that I have to start buying the giant jar of peanut butter. We go through the small one in four days. Soap bars disappear quickly, and I must change the roll of toilet paper once a day.

Monday, September 9, 2013

Friday, September 6, 2013

Sunday, September 1, 2013

What do I say?

 I am a fraud?

 I am not what I expect others to be to me?

I am a bad friend.

 This I know.

 I want so much to be accepted.

But I accept no one.


And it is always fun.

But I cut it off.

I am unsure why I do this.

I miss these relationships.

Even mourn for them.

But I let them go.

Each and every one.

Then I am sad when they move on.

No Christmas card.

No calls.

I deserve it.

I disappoint.

And yet, I think I am a great friend.

All evidence to the contrary.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Let's see. How can I exactly explain my worry. 
It's keeping me up all night. It's making me unable to sit still. I feel like I should empty my cabinets, and rearrange and purge. Maybe if things around me were less cluttered, and in order, I would feel a sense of control, at a time I feel utterly out of control. 
But I suspect, that if everything were as neat as a pin, however neat that implies, I would still look for something else to do. 
I am afraid to drive on highways. The kind like Route 80. But I feel like heading West on it. Maybe if I could distance myself from the confusion, and worry, I could escape it. But that isn't possible. 
Sleep brings no relief. It is creeping into my dream. Making me wake up at night, and feel the bed shake with each fast beat of my heart. 
Molly, my sweet beautiful Molly, has something growing in her. Something that needs to be biopsied. I had to call a surgeon for her yesterday. We have to wait two long weeks to see him. 
I felt it the other night, and envisioned myself cutting it our of her with my exacto knife. 
Two weeks seems like a long time to let something simmer away.

Friday, June 21, 2013

I have been painting watercolor portraits lately. And trying to perfect using my Polaroid Land Camera. Next will be teaching myself emulsions. But for now, the watercolors are soothing. 

If you would like one, let me know. My prices are between $25.00 and $50.00, depending on the size, per portrait. Here are some examples. 

Summer is here. My girls and I all slept in this morning. And I had leftover heavy cream in the fridge which is making my coffee decadent!

Morning morning!

Monday, June 10, 2013

I feel like my grip on staying positive, and waiting for things to finally pay off for us, is slipping.
 Its all starting to look pretty glum. 
Some days, I am convinced that something amazing is about to happen. 
Well, at least I had been. 
Not so much anymore. 
I am tired.
It hasn't gotten any easier for us, no matter how hard we try.

Friday, May 10, 2013

Spring finally arrived.

 It is amazingly beautiful this year.

One girl turned 8, and my little bee turned 4.

Sleepover party. They were actually really cute to watch.

The days are moving so fast.

Take time to smell the blossoms.

I know I am.


Monday, April 15, 2013

So many things to photograph this time of year. I find myself leaving the house and being halfway to my destination, only wanting to turn around, and go home for my camera.

I have been asked to write the text of an already illustrated children's book. I am nervous about it. It is a little outside of my comfort zone. But, and it's a big but, I think I am up to the task. 

David left this morning, for a week long work related trip. I feel kind of sad. I will be alone with the girls for a week. Hopefully, I will be graceful, and patient this week. 



Saturday, March 23, 2013


Davids great uncle died the other day. His Uncle Al. He was 98. He was such a sweet man. Always dressed with a pressed shirt, and tie. A cute little sweater over that. Perfectly shined shoes. He had long eyelashes and sparkly blue eyes.

 His wife died a few years ago, and he has been so terribly sad since. Up until recently, he still signed her name along with his on birthday cards, and Christmas cards. Her name was Charlotte, just like my Charlotte, and he had a special place in his heart for my girl because of that. 

I have been working at the restaurant every night. We really need the money. David gets paid this Friday, so between all the bills we have, and the cars that are just barely getting us to and from our jobs, my tip money will help buy groceries. I couldn't go with David and the girls to Long Island, because I had to be at work, so they left yesterday without me, to go to the wake and funeral.

I always want time alone. I never get it. I constantly have a child with me. And if I don't, I am at work. I thought it would be fun to have some time alone. But watching them pull out of the driveway yesterday, in a car that I just prayed would get them there and back without overheating, or breaking down, I felt really stressed watching them go.

I thought I would relish in being alone. And actually, for about an hour, I did. But then it got really lonely. And the house was so quiet. And the girls rooms seemed so dark each time I passed by them. I read some of my book. I watched garbage on TV. I even took a nap. 

I finally went to bed, and at least I had the dogs to keep me company. All in all, it was lonely. 

BUT....I slept until 10:30!!! And the neat condition I left the living room and kitchen in, remained the same. I feel rested like I haven't in years. 

Amazing what a little sleep can do for you. Not so cloudy, up there, in my head,today.

I can't wait for the car to pull in the driveway, though.

 I miss and love those beings so very much.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Received both a 72 hour shut off notice for our water, and a 10 day shut off for our electric.

 Davids' car is in desperate need of repair, and so is mine. Not much cash until next week. I some days can't take the stress. I really can't. I have been working every night at the restaurant, yet we are barely scraping by. 

I can't take much more of this.

Friday, March 15, 2013

Oh yeah...did I mention the new dog? Pablo. He was headed to the pound. What could I say?