The life and times of a once glamorous NYC fashion industry insider, to a mother of three girls, living paycheck to paycheck , facing foreclosure, and trying to find humor, and sanity in it all, while looking (trying!) deliciously chic in her Payless shoes.
Can't keep on top of the clutter. I realized yesterday that I have to start buying the giant jar of peanut butter. We go through the small one in four days. Soap bars disappear quickly, and I must change the roll of toilet paper once a day.
What do I say?
I am a fraud?
I am not what I expect others to be to me? I am a bad friend.
This I know.
I want so much to be accepted. But I accept no one. Briefly. And it is always fun. But I cut it off. I am unsure why I do this. I miss these relationships. Even mourn for them. But I let them go. Each and every one. Then I am sad when they move on. No Christmas card. No calls. I deserve it. I disappoint. And yet, I think I am a great friend. All evidence to the contrary.
Let's see. How can I exactly explain my worry. It's keeping me up all night. It's making me unable to sit still. I feel like I should empty my cabinets, and rearrange and purge. Maybe if things around me were less cluttered, and in order, I would feel a sense of control, at a time I feel utterly out of control. But I suspect, that if everything were as neat as a pin, however neat that implies, I would still look for something else to do. I am afraid to drive on highways. The kind like Route 80. But I feel like heading West on it. Maybe if I could distance myself from the confusion, and worry, I could escape it. But that isn't possible. Sleep brings no relief. It is creeping into my dream. Making me wake up at night, and feel the bed shake with each fast beat of my heart. Molly, my sweet beautiful Molly, has something growing in her. Something that needs to be biopsied. I had to call a surgeon for her yesterday. We have to wait two long weeks to see him. I felt it the other night, and envisioned myself cutting it our of her with my exacto knife. Two weeks seems like a long time to let something simmer away.
Davids great uncle died the other day. His Uncle Al. He was 98. He was such a sweet man. Always dressed with a pressed shirt, and tie. A cute little sweater over that. Perfectly shined shoes. He had long eyelashes and sparkly blue eyes.
His wife died a few years ago, and he has been so terribly sad since. Up until recently, he still signed her name along with his on birthday cards, and Christmas cards. Her name was Charlotte, just like my Charlotte, and he had a special place in his heart for my girl because of that.
I have been working at the restaurant every night. We really need the money. David gets paid this Friday, so between all the bills we have, and the cars that are just barely getting us to and from our jobs, my tip money will help buy groceries. I couldn't go with David and the girls to Long Island, because I had to be at work, so they left yesterday without me, to go to the wake and funeral.
I always want time alone. I never get it. I constantly have a child with me. And if I don't, I am at work. I thought it would be fun to have some time alone. But watching them pull out of the driveway yesterday, in a car that I just prayed would get them there and back without overheating, or breaking down, I felt really stressed watching them go. I thought I would relish in being alone. And actually, for about an hour, I did. But then it got really lonely. And the house was so quiet. And the girls rooms seemed so dark each time I passed by them. I read some of my book. I watched garbage on TV. I even took a nap. I finally went to bed, and at least I had the dogs to keep me company. All in all, it was lonely. BUT....I slept until 10:30!!! And the neat condition I left the living room and kitchen in, remained the same. I feel rested like I haven't in years. Amazing what a little sleep can do for you. Not so cloudy, up there, in my head,today. I can't wait for the car to pull in the driveway, though.
Received both a 72 hour shut off notice for our water, and a 10 day shut off for our electric.
Davids' car is in desperate need of repair, and so is mine. Not much cash until next week. I some days can't take the stress. I really can't. I have been working every night at the restaurant, yet we are barely scraping by.