Tuesday, August 24, 2010


Today, I am worried that my lights are going to be shut off. We got a ten day notice a week ago, so I am just waiting for it to happen. Today I am worried about the little bit of money that we have to make stretch for two weeks. Today I am scared about the big pile of bills we have, and our inability to pay them. Today I am wondering how I am going to get school shoes and backpacks with spare change. Today I am feeling sad about the lousy weekend, that was supposed to be a mini vacation at my parents, that went so wrong, and now, it seems that I will distance myself from my parents because they seem to want me to. Today, I am bummed that my cell phone got turned off, due to non payment.
I am afraid to lose my home. But why? It is too small. We have no equity. We could never sell it. Ever. We are trying so hard to hold onto something, because I feel we are too afraid of the unknown. I want to move. I want another bathroom. I want a garden. I don't need to own a home to make me a grown up. I am not afraid anymore. My credit is already terrible. Take my house. Take it. I will find a new one, and make that a home. This is a structure that is causing too many problems in my life.
Today I will try and stop thinking, and worrying, and stressing, and feeling sick about everything. Today, I will look at the beautiful bouquet of flowers my friend gave me yesterday. I will stare at the giant, red, farm tomatoes I purchased in Wainscott yesterday, and think about the BLT's I will make tonight.
Or at least, I will try my best.

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