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When David got home from work last night, he called the electric company. He wanted to tell them that he was going to be able to send them money next week, on his next payday. They wouldn't budge. If we did not pay them last months bill, and this months, totaling $523.00, our electric would be shut off today. I panicked. David looked like he was going to have a stroke. He called his Dad. His Dad didn't have the money. I thought..OK, we will be in the dark. We will have to barbeque all of our meals. How will I bathe the baby? The water will be cold. School starts next week. How will the girls be properly cared for, and fed, and bathed, with no lights, and no hot water? How can I ensure that they will have a proper breakfast, and lunch? What kind of irresponsible parent am I?
I called my cousin. The last person in the world who should have had to deal with my crap. She is reeling in pain from the loss of her mother, and I have to call her, and heap my own bullshit onto her pile. I had no other person to ask. I called my cousin yesterday morning, just to talk. It had been over a week, since her mother's funeral, and I wanted to just see how she was doing. I left a message. Now I was calling back, to beg for help. I thought my first phone call to her must have seemed not sincere. The timing was just awful. That is what sucks about having to ask for help. Having to put your hand out, and ask for money. It is humiliating, and degrading. It made me, and continues to, make me feel like a bad person.
My lights are on. My cousin helped me. I wept all night for having to make that call. I am ashamed. I feel awful for having to bother her with my problems. I am tired of this life. I am sick of being the helpee. I want to be the helper. I don't want people to look down upon me, and David.
My mother told me over the weekend that my sister is going away for her 20 year anniversary to Nantucket. Funny, I thought. I just spoke to her, and she never mentioned it. In fact, I asked if that was it for the summer for her, as far as going away, and she said yes, it was. My mother told me, "Well, I guess she didn't want to make you feel bad". So, people speak to me, and give me the edited version of their lives, as to not make me feel bad? People are talking to me differently?
David spoke to my father over the weekend, over a fight I had with my Dad. He wanted to discuss the matter with my Dad. My Dad disagreed with David, and instead of discussing the matter, he said to David, "We have helped you a lot". So, David is not free to speak his mind, or disagree with my father, because he has helped us? Are we now having to hold our tongues, and keep our thoughts, and opinions to ourself, because we have been on the receiving end of help? Is that how it works? Shut up and be grateful? You are in no position to talk back? I think it is. Not only am I being spoken to in an edited way...now I too must speak to others like that.
My cousin Jennifer did not make me feel bad. She did not make me feel like I was less. I feel like that everyday of my life. For an instant, she made me feel like an equal. Thank you for my lights and hot water Jennifer.
Thank you for not making me feel little, for a moment.