Tuesday, August 17, 2010


Tomorrow, we are driving to Long Island. David is going to spend a long weekend in Arizona, at his parents. His father is retiring, and his mom purchased him a plane ticket, so he could surprise him, and be there on the day he retires, which also is his birthday. He is flying out of an airport on Long Island. I an taking the girls out to my parents for a long weekend. We will go to the beach, and swim, and spend time with my parents, which always starts out OK, but turns annoying quickly. Fingers crossed, I am hoping for a nice time. We shall see.
David and I have not been getting along very well. It seems that we cannot have even the simplest of conversations that two people should be able to have, without it getting ugly. He talks to me sometimes, like I am one of the kids. He seems annoyed by my questions. He seems irritated by the simplest of subjects. Sometimes, I feel like I have to carefully choose my words, and the timing of what I want to say, as to not get on his nerves. I know that as you read this, you must think that he sounds terrible. He isn't. There just seems to be less of the David I met and married years ago. Replacing him is this other person. Some days, I think, if I had met the David of today then, I would not be where I am today. I miss him. I miss me. I miss the easy times. Discussing dinner in the frozen food aisle in the supermarket should not have to turn into a fight. I shouldn't have to feel that everything out of my mouth sounds like a nag. I have no one here. I am with 3 people, under the age of 8, all day. David has co-workers, and lunch breaks. Coffee, and time alone. I have none of this. David is my co-worker. I think that I have become the co-worker that he sees, and walks the other way, these days.
I don't think it has to be so hard. I don't think that if I express my concerns, or ask a question about our life, I shouldn't be met with eye rolls, or sighs. Sometimes, I just give up, and go to bed. I lie in bed, and remember a time that seems to be slipping away. I remember a man that seems to be becoming a stranger. I remember a girl who was so hopeful, and full of good stuff, and possibility. I see a woman who I don't even recognize now. I wake up every day, and sigh. It feels too much some days. Too much of a hassle. I would like to be the girl I once was.
I am looking forward to this weekend.

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