Friday, August 6, 2010


Today is payday. Always a good day around here, yet it always ends badly. I wake up with relief, and feel hope, but by the end of the day, after we pay what is about to be shut off, or taken away, we are low on cash again, and must live on that for yet another two weeks. The viscous cycle of our lives. And so it goes.
The sad thing is that David and I fight over money. You would think that we join forces, and stresses, but we do the opposite. We fight, and blame, and push eachother away. It makes me so sad, and incredibly angry all at the same time. I feel resentful alot. Like he should be taking care of us better, yet I know how hard he works. I know how hard we both work. There is no one to blame for this. It is what it is. David told me this morning that he was sick of fighting with me over money. That it was a silly thing to do. We both know that marriages break up over this issue. Why are we immune to it? It could break us up, for sure. Especially if we keep fighting like we have over it.
I confided in my cousin, Jennifer, the last two days over what is going on, and the state of our house. She said something to me that made me hopeful. She said, and I quote..."For a long time now, I've felt like you have been put through some hard stuff, but it was for a reason. Refining. Making you strong and resilient. That's what hard times do to us all. But your's have been longer than most. God's working on a masterpiece".
I usually roll my eyes when people tell me how strong I will be when this is over, and how I will look back at this and laugh. How I will have such crazy stories of hardship to tell my grandchildren in years to come. When people tell you that, I often feel they are dismissing you, or just trying to make themselves feel better. Yet, what she said touched me. Maybe she is right. Maybe, when it is all said and done, and the bills are paid, and the 1-800 numbers stop calling my house, and we can sleep knowing we will still have a roof over our heads in 6 months, maybe then I can crawl out of the cocoon that I am in, and finally spread my wings, and be free to do, and be, all that I have the potential to be. Maybe, I will be a masterpiece. The thought makes me excited. The possibility of re-birth for all of us.
 I will surrender to stress today. I will go about my day, and I will not let myself get to that overwhelming place of all consuming stress.
Today, I will just be.

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