Thursday, August 12, 2010

Past life

I went to bed last night, mad. Maybe not mad. Maybe jealous. I felt left out. I recently re-connected with some friends from my first year at college. I went to FIT, in NYC, and I had immideately made these great friends the first week, like so many do. You are all scared and excited, and you cling to the first few people you meet. These girls and I all lived on the 8th floor of my dorm, Nagler Hall. We talked, and smoked, and stayed up late into the night telling eachother everything. We ate all of our meals together. We listened to eachother cry about shitty boyfriends left behind. We used eachother's microwaves. We went out clubbing together, and to seedy bars, and all things New York, and what it had to offer. We did nightly aerobics in the gym together. We ate at the little diner on the corner, and ordered pizzas from Smiler's. We had a great big party, in a suite, at a hotel, and trashed the room, and got kicked out. We met eachother's families. We called one another on the phone on breaks. We cleaned up eachother's puke. We did homework in the hallway together. We became like sister's.
I neglected my school work my freshman year. I withdrew from FIT. I was sad, and I didn't want to fail out, so I withdrew, leaving the door open for me to return. I never did. I kept in touch with these girls. I went to visit them all, that following year. They all moved into suites together. They were like little apartments. I felt jealous, the moment I got there. They had, somehow, gone on without me. I felt left out, like you do when you are a kid. I felt panicked, that I had left school, and was no longer part of this group. I left there, after that visit, and realized, that it was over. What I had in common with these girls, was that school, that I no longer attended. We had a brief, intense year together, but it was over. I never called any of them again.
I recently found one of these girls on Facebook, and we reconnected. We talked. We caught up on the 20 years that has since passed. I saw on her wall, postings from some of those girls, that were my friends. They were discussing their annual visit with eachother this summer, with their families. They were all life long friends. They had all continued on with school, and being close, and getting closer. They had shared in the ups and downs of their lives. They had gone to eachother's weddings, and shared in the joys of babies. They had helped eachother, and encouraged one another. They had formed a bond. A web. A close, intricate, friendship. I started off with them, but had fallen to the side. Why do I feel so jealous? Why do I feel so insulted that nobody called me? Why do I wish I went to those weddings, and met those babies? You can't keep up with every friendship you make along the way. This I know. I certainly let many people go out of my life. Why, when I am the one to be released from the web, do I feel so offended?
I went to bed feeling bad. I went to bed feeling like I was missing out. I went to bed feeling a loss of something that I had never been part of. I felt like I could have been part of that. I almost was. For a time, it was everything to me. And it went on, without me, and that's the part that saddens me. The roads in my life not taken. The people I have let slip away. What could these connections be now? Why do I have the nerve to think so highly of myself, and think that I am important enough to hold on to? Yet I continue to let people slip away from me?
I am the one choosing to be released.

1 comment:

  1. Gorgeous writing, dearest.

    Thinking of you this weekend and your Aunt Helen. I'm so sorry . . . your post had me crying. . . .