Monday, January 2, 2012


My regular routine has been disrupted for so long, I no longer remember what it was. Too many girls here, for too long. The holiday break has been great, believe me, I love not having to get up and get everyone washed, dressed, and fed, and to the bus stop. I have been lingering in bed, making breakfast later, and then lunch is not at the right time, and dinner has been being eaten later and later. That hasn't been so bad.

But too much food, and wine, and putting off cleaning, and chores, chalking it up to "why bother" because the girls just mess it up anyway, has rendered this place a disaster. And made my head feel cluttered. I have to say, when that school bus leaves tomorrow, I can almost feel the relief right now. I normally loathe routine, and the monotony of the everyday cycle of cooking, cleaning, folding, putting away...but I will welcome it this week. I honestly don't feel like my exchanges with the girls have been pleasant. I notice how I am speaking to the kids through gritted teeth. Often.

New Years was great. The girls stayed up late. David and I had a "date", after feeding the girls junk. I feel like I have not prepared many healthy meals this week. Vegetables have been left out of quite a few dinners, and dessert served more. I feel guilty, but at the same time, who cares, right?

We all stayed up way too late on New Years Eve, and slept really late the next day. We took a long walk, and even brought along our dog, who often gets overlooked. My friends dog was put to sleep the other day, and she wept on the phone to me, and said take Sophie out for a walk, and throw a ball to her. Please. It made me feel awful for her. It made me feel awful for Sophie.

And now, to deconstruct Christmas. Tree down, and out today. Decorations put away. All the pretty lights, stashed until next year. I will miss the pretty glow they give the house. I guess I will just have to light more candles then usual, to give the same effect. But it will be nice to have less stuff everywhere. I feel like every surface is covered, with something.

But it was really beautiful. The whole season, start to finish. I recall feeling sick to my stomach last year, as we took Christmas down. Putting away the boxes, I wondered if we would have Christmas here again, and if we didn't, where would we be. We are still here, and I have that same question this year, but I have a little bit more optimism about it. Like we just can't be pushed around when we know we are not in the wrong.

I hope we are here next year. I really do. Watching my girls walk through the woods the other night, with flashlights, and pillows, giggling the whole time, on their way to their friends house next door for a sleepover, I felt a flash of safety, and knew at that moment, the girls will remember this when they are women. They reached the front door, and called out "Bye Mom".

It really made me smile.

1 comment:

  1. "My regular routine has been disrupted for so long, I no longer remember what it was." I can SO relate, its one of the most frustrating things about being long-term unemployed that a lot of employed people don't understand. It becomes harder and harder to get into any kind of a rhythm without a routine. And harder to stick to a routine when it doesn't seem to produce results. Hang in there.