Some days, I go to bed at night, and think that I tried my best. I loved, and soothed, and cooked, and cleaned, organized, and supported. I listened, and encouraged, and corrected, and taught. Some days, like the past two, I go to bed, and give myself a big fat F. Failure in every category, across the board. Some days I think that I was born to take care of these girls. Other days, I feel inadequate, and I know that I took shortcuts. I just hope that I am the only one that noticed, and the repercussions will be mere ripples.
I have been trying to wrap my head around what appears to be on the horizon for my family. News given to me this week. All my plans, and positive thinking have been covered with this cloud that has moved over me. Over us. I wish I could adapt. I wish I could buck up sometimes. I just want to lay down, and bury my head in the sand today. I can't even listen to the girls the last two days. They are like small mosquitoes, swirling around my ears. I just want it to be quiet, and still, so I can think, and rearrange my plans. I need to think about the person that I now have to morph into, rather than the one I am feeling like.
I want to be the good Mom. The happy one. Not the one with the water running out of the kitchen faucet, staring out the window, blankly, into nothingness.
I have been trying to wrap my head around what appears to be on the horizon for my family. News given to me this week. All my plans, and positive thinking have been covered with this cloud that has moved over me. Over us. I wish I could adapt. I wish I could buck up sometimes. I just want to lay down, and bury my head in the sand today. I can't even listen to the girls the last two days. They are like small mosquitoes, swirling around my ears. I just want it to be quiet, and still, so I can think, and rearrange my plans. I need to think about the person that I now have to morph into, rather than the one I am feeling like.
I want to be the good Mom. The happy one. Not the one with the water running out of the kitchen faucet, staring out the window, blankly, into nothingness.
Been having a few of those days myself. They suck.
ReplyDeleteIt is good for me to read when you're talking this way. It reminds me that I am not the only one. We all feel that way some days. At least, I think others do. It's a shitty phase you're in right now. But the good news is, it's a phase. It won't be like this forever. At least, that's what I tell myself.
ReplyDeleteErin, I feel this way nearly all the time...and I have no children! It's OK. We are human, after all....Get up and try again tomorrow...good days are gifts. Be like my dad and say, "I'll accomplish one thing today. Just one thing."
ReplyDeleteHe told me it's actually pretty tough to do.