Monday, May 23, 2011


As soon as know what I want to say here, it disappears. My mind has been racing. I woke up at two o'clock in the morning, and have been up since. My body was relaxed, but my head wouldn't settle back down. I have a knot in my stomach, and a feeling that I can't really place my finger on. It is one I have never experienced before.

Maybe it is this constant rain. The grey skies are suffocating. My ranunculus is looking terrible. All of my herbs are not doing well. Living things really begin to droop, and suffer without the warmth of the sun. I am feeling that way too.

David came home from the dollar store the other day with a garden gnome. I have always thought they were silly and kitschy, yet secretly wanted one, to place at the bottom of a tree, outside, hiding. The girls thought it was great. I laughed watching them stand around the little guy, and listened to them debate about whether they thought it would come to life when they weren't looking. 

Charlotte had her birthday party yesterday. She put on her prettiest dress, and strapped on her high heel espadrilles, and brushed her hair. She had it all planned out in her head how she should look. Before long, she was outside in her hot pink crocs, her dressy dress, and had hand fulls of earthworms, and mud smeared across her chest. Kids were screaming and eating cupcakes. Everyone was smiling. The baby was dancing. It was a good day for the kids. Even under the grey sky. They all seemed content.

Yet, I just couldn't shake this uneasy feeling. And my mind was just racing. One of the Mom's who came to pick up her son was telling me something, and I realized that I had heard nothing of what she said to me. I was someplace else. I wasn't here.

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