Wednesday, May 4, 2011


We had our first barbecue of the season, last night. Grilled chicken, and vegetables. A family favorite. As long as Old Bay and barbecue sauce is involved. It was nice to all be outside. Even as the blue skies started to darken. David finished grilling, just as the rain moved in. It fell so hard that the floors got wet even as we raced around the house, trying to shut all the doors. The smell of it, and the cool mist that blew in through the doors was soothing. Like the smell of gasoline and cut grass that I kept getting whiffs of yesterday, as I passed by lawns being mowed. Takes me instantly back to Tulip Grove Drive, and I am small again, and hot, and my Dad is shirtless, and covered with green grass shavings, because the bag on the mower is ripped, and held together with clothes pins. He even had special sneakers for mowing the lawn. They stayed in the garage at all times, and were stained green. Just like the grass smell, the fragrance of the rain whisked me back in time.

Thunder and lightning moved in. David fell asleep on the couch, and the girls were tucked in. The lights then went out. A candle was burning on the kitchen table, and I walked toward it. I carried it into the bedroom, and placed it on the dresser. I was not tired enough for bed, but in the pitch blackness, there was nothing more I thought I could do, except go to bed, so I did. I blew the candle out, and was startled at how dark it was. I wiggled my fingers in front of my face, and saw nothing. I tried with all of my might to focus in on anything, and couldn't. I kept thinking if the girls woke up, they would be scared. All of their nightlights would be out, and they wouldn't be able to find their way to me.

 My sleep was light, as I kept waking, thinking I heard one of them. I didn't want them to be afraid.

I kept the door to the outside, in the bedroom open, just a bit, and put a towel down on the floor, so the rug would not get soaked. I just couldn't get enough of that safe, smell that the rain was washing over me. The room was cold, but beneath my covers, it was warm. The smells of times and places were all around me. I had lost my sense of sight, but I lay there breathing deeply, holding Molly, and remembering.

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