Thursday, September 30, 2010


My old friend, Melissa, has stage 4 breast cancer. It is inoperable. When she told me about it, I felt like a cry baby. She is scared. She is undergoing some experimental drug treatments. Stuff that is literally referred to as a "test trial". She is a guinea pig, gambling on saving her life. I would be so mad, and scared, and pissed off, I think I would spit fire. She quit her job, and started a mail order cookie business. I am in awe. I think I would be under the blankets every day. She is amazing.
I realize that every one's life is the most important one, to them. Everything is relative. What scares me, would probably make Melissa laugh. I fear losing things that I can touch. My husband. I fear he will travel and work in a hostile part of the world, and that decision will come back to haunt us. I fear not having my house. I fear being without things my kids may need, yet they have so much. I fear getting the mail everyday, because all there ever is, are bills. I was walking on the street the other day, and realized, that I fear one of my kid's running out onto the busy road. I could lose them. I saw the weather report today for all of the rain, and the strong winds that are supposed to accompany all of it, and I feared losing power. I am worried about maybe not being able to make dinner tonight. I fear that money may be so low in the next coming weeks, that a visit to the pumpkin patch will not be possible, and my girls will be sad. I fear the man in a hooded sweatshirt,walking past my house, right this very moment. Is he a good guy, or a bad one? Why is he exercising in all of this rain? I fear that I don't brush my baby's teeth enough. I get lazy at night. Will her teeth be irreversibly damaged?
I am afraid of my daughter's becoming sluts. It is a big fear of mine. I think about it all the time. Especially Olivia. She is a real people pleaser, and just wants to belong. That would kill me. I want them to be good girls, always. And I want them to tell me everything. No secrets. They came out of my body. I want to know everything about them. Even the cruddy stuff.
I worry that a dead tree, one in particular, will fall on my house, and hurt, or possibly kill one of my kids. I think about it when the wind blows. I am scared when there is bad lightning, and when snowstorms arrive, I cringe. Nothing seems scarier to me, then losing power, in the winter. No heat. What a nightmare.
I am scared that my mother or father will die. Sometimes, when the phone rings, and I see it is their number, I brace myself right before I answer it. I am scared that a major appliance will break. I always fear that. In the night, I wake up sometimes, and go in the kitchen, and make sure I did not just hear a strange sound coming from the refrigerator.
Some of my fears have come true. Some are totally crazy, and irrational...this I know. Some may come to fruition. Like the power thing...David just notified me that we are expecting over 6" of rain today. I don't have too many candles. That worries me. I guess I should be thankful that it isn't snow. 
I said a novena today. It is a prayer that you say, when in desperation. My mother gave it to me. They were just here visiting. It says that if I say the prayer correctly, my prayer will be answered. So, I figured, maybe my family could use some prayers. never know. Yet when I said it, I thought of Melissa, and her fear. I thought about what she thinks about in the middle of a dark, windy night. I wonder what she fears not touching anymore. I thought about how silly I sound, worrying about rogue boulders, and possible hot water heater malfunction, when she might not be here this time next year. She might not get to enjoy a snowstorm, with no lights, or heat, with her loved ones. 
I suddenly feel like a coward.

1 comment: