Drive

Today, we have to return the rental car. The insurance company called last night, and said that our car is worth more than the $5000.00 worth of coverage that the girl who hit us, has. They said to open a claim with our insurance company, and close the claim with their company. So, in order to make myself feel giddy, in the midst of all of this madness, I drank numerous glasses of wine last night, only to wake up in the middle of the night with a massive headache, and booze fueled anxiety, on top of the heaping lump of anxiety lying directly on my chest. And so begins my day.
Today, I suppose I will take care of things that need tending to. I must check my diaper supply, and my wipes. Food must be inventoried. What to make for dinner, and what sides will be served along with the protein, to make sure all food groups are represented, must be checked, and replenished. We were going to go to see my cousin on Saturday, and attend her daughter's party. We will now be unable to attend. Thank God I did not tell the girls about it. I learned that lesson long ago.
 Maybe I will take a drive. Maybe it will be my last solo drive, for a while. I love to drive. I feel free. No clingy kids on top of me. They are safely strapped into seats, unable to touch me. There was a time, when I lived in NYC, and was single, and lived alone, that I went untouched by humans for weeks. Sometimes, I ached for it. Sometimes, it drove me to tears. A hug was something I physically yearned for. Now, some days, I feel smothered. That makes me feel like something is wrong with me.
Funny how being broke stretches it's creepy little fingers into every facet of your life. How just having effortless fun can be hindered. Going to a kid's birthday party, which are normally a waste of a perfectly good Saturday, is something that suddenly you are upset at not being able to do. Just taking a ride in a car has financial impact.
It permeates everything we do.