Tuesday, September 14, 2010


Charlotte didn't want to get out of bed this morning. Olivia was up making her bed, and getting ready for school. Charlotte normally hears us, and gets up right away. This morning, I had to go in to wake her. Except, she was not sleeping. She was just lying there, pretending to be asleep. She started to cry right away. She said she was pretending to be asleep, because she didn't want to go to school today. I asked her why, and she said that she would miss me, and she would feel sad. She said the day is too long. She thinks of me everyday when she is at school, and she cries.
I am always shocked when I hear Charlotte talk about missing me. She and I are not very close. She can be very hard to be around. I feel so terribly guilty for saying this, but sometimes, I just don't want to hear her, or be around her. She whines, and cries. She flat out refuses to listen. She knows what buttons to push. I have found myself having to force myself to be affectionate toward her. I love her. She is my child. I just don't understand her. Yet, she cries for me during the day. She misses me. This both warms my heart, and makes me feel happy, but at the same time, I ask myself, why would she miss me? 
David and I need to be better parents. The stress of our lives are rubbing off on the girls. I was thinking about our life, in bed last night. We are so consumed with money problems, and some days, just keeping the lights on, and food in their belly's, that we are failing them in so many other areas. 
Saturday, our neighbor asked David if he wanted to go with him, and his family, to our lake, right here in our neighborhood. He had an extra canoe, and life jackets. David said no. The girls were heartbroken. I felt their sadness. I understood David. He just didn't want to do it. I understood the girls frustration too. I talked to David, almost to the point of arguing about it. I asked him, why? This requires no money, and no travel. It seems like a no brainer. David was annoyed, and finally relented. He said fine, he would do it. He went next door and told our neighbor that he changed his mind. He told the girls. They cheered. I heard them cheer. 
When they walked in the door, the smiles on their faces were amazing. David looked at me, and told me that he was so glad he did it. The girls chattered about it all night.
I need to find a canoe moment with my girls. I need to make an effort. I need to do things I don't want to do. Maybe then I would understand why my child would miss me.
I just can't accept being loved for doing the minimum.

1 comment:

  1. brought tears to my eyes.
    silly erin, you just don't realize how HUGE even your barest 'minimum' is in the Big Picture. Please accept love for it. I thank the universe that these girls have you and david to watch over them. So many can only Dream of such a thing. of being woken, and tucked in, and cared about...with love.- darlene