Wednesday, September 15, 2010


The girls are still sleeping. I have a moment to myself. I went to bed too late. I was lying in bed last night, watching mindless TV,  until 11:00, and that was already past my bedtime. I woke up at 4:something, and have been awake since. I feel scared. I am so worried about our car. The Honda, the only car we own now, is really in bad shape. All the tires need to be replaced, and the brakes are barely functioning. It makes a grinding noise, and there is also another little sound it makes, that sort of makes you think there is a rattlesnake under the hood somewhere. David drives this car, to and from work. He leaves before it is light out, and returns home at night with it. It is the only way he can get to work. It is our only means of survival. I am frightened at the condition it is in, and how we have no money to fix it.
The leaves here are turning. Fall is coming fast. I got up a moment ago, and saw that there is more orange and yellow, than yesterday. All of the years we have been here, I have adored this time of year. I have loved everything about it. Now, it makes me filled with anxiety. Cold weather is approaching. Soon snow. Ice. The need for warmer clothes and boots, and hats, and coats. The need to heat our home. The need for a car that will carry my husband safely to his job. I have already accepted that soon, I will have no car to drive. I am OK with that. I will have to accomplish all of my errands and laundry on the weekends. I will have to be here, in the home all week, without the ability to leave. I am upset, and scared about this, but I accept it. I have no choice. But I worry so much about David. I worry about him driving on the country roads here. I worry all day about it. I lay in bed, and worry through the night about it. Worry, these days, is a constant state of being. 
I am concerned about the age of the heating system in our house. I pray for a long, warm fall. The thought of switching on the heat makes me sick to my stomach. The change of seasons this year, is causing so much fright. The turning leaves make me want to close my drapes, and look away. I hate them this year. Every one that I see, slowly spiral to the ground, makes me angry.
My husbands ex-wife called yesterday, asking for money. Her timing is unbelievable. It made me want to scream. It made me want to scream. 

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