Monday, December 6, 2010


Sleep finally arrived close to 3 a.m. last night. Just as I dosed off, David woke up. I smiled to myself and thought he was taking over my stressing shift. I know he was waking up, and getting out of bed, because of worry. I was happy to be relieved.

I had a dream that I couldn't sleep. It was the oddest thing. And just as I dozed off in my dream, I woke up, at 6:54 a.m. ready to begin my Monday. I saw Olivia's shadow in my doorway. I motioned to her, but she left the room. I got up, and followed her. She was in her room, with the lights on, her bed made, and all of her animal friends lined up, just so. I think she was coming to wake me up. She is such a good girl. You have no idea. I cry some nights, just thinking about her, and how deeply she feels. She is me. I know when and what she is worried about. I see her constantly trying to make everything better for everyone. Some people tell me that we have done such a "good job" with her, but I have nothing to do with the way she is. She is a flower, opening up, right before my very eyes, and each and every day, I am startled at what I see. She is amazing.

I kissed her good morning, and she held me tightly. I could smell her scalp. I could smell my girl. We walked out into the kitchen together, and it had snowed overnight. It was so pretty. The early morning light made everything look blue. Olivia was so happy to see the snow. I was so happy to see her happy.

Today, I am thankful that I got to go to the grocery store, and get fruit, and vegetables and all the things that my family needs. I am going to make Swedish meatballs for dinner. I am going to keep thinking about the new position David is beginning, and the opportunity it means for us. I am going to keep thinking about the kindness given to me last week. I keep smiling every time it comes into my mind, and I feel grateful.

My friend wrote something to me recently. I keep reading it, because it is one of the most beautiful things any one has ever said to me.  Here it is:

"To my friend Erin:  we never know what the year will bring. We start off with daunting things --too much, not enough, too far, too short--but we finish the year, no matter what, as if our feet were on a conveyor belt pulling us toward December. You said that I landed in your life like a butterfly. Yours is a mind that thinks of fluttering, cellophane wings wringing blue and red stains from sunlight like colored glass. Your hands drag a plain, stiff brush through ordinary pigment to make soft petals and glistening stems. Your girls are beautiful. These things are yours. Every single day. No matter what."

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