Tuesday, June 29, 2010


Tomorrow, we leave for East Hampton. Five or six days, at my parents. The girls are beside themselves. They can't wait to see my parents, and to get to the beach. I am stressed. So much on my mind. We have five hundred dollars in the bank. Today is Tuesday, and that has to last until NEXT Friday. I want to go, and just relax, but I know with every cent spent, I will worry.
Today, David went to get his passport at work. He will be getting his orders soon. He will be leaving us for 6 months. I just can't wrap my head around that. I keep counting back in my mind what I was doing 6 months ago. It seems like so long ago, yet it doesn't. I have been trying to explain how long 6 months is to the girls. They are not really able to understand it. Olivia is understanding how long that is. Charlotte is not. She is concerned if Daddy will be there for her first day of kindergarten. He will not. She is wondering if Daddy will be here for Christmas. He will not. She is concerned where he will eat dinner. She is saddened that family game night won't really be the whole family. She said it will be "half a family" game night. I don't know how to reassure her. I am scared. I want to cry. I do. I cry with them. I am horrified that this is our only option out of brokedom. I have made promises to God that I will keep if David comes back to us, just as he left. I am worried at what kind of mother I will be without my partner. I am not the fun parent. He is. Can I become the fun parent? I don't think I have it in me. Should I get some anti-depressants? Should I allow this to happen? Should I tell David, fuck it. Let the bank take our home, and screw our credit. Forget our pile of bills. Should I insist we move into a trailer, and just be together?
My dryer broke yesterday. After David retrieved our laundry from the laundromat, the dryer broke. Really? I look up at the cieling of my house. Really? This, on top of all the shit that keeps David and I awake night after night. Is someone laughing at me somewhere? Was I a terrible person in another life, and have some lessons to learn from all of this.
Tomorrow, we leave for vacation. Three excited girls, two stressed parents, and five hundred bucks. This should be interesting.

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