Random worries

I have entitled this post Random worries. I normally title my posts when they are done. I pick a word or two out, that I feel has been the direction of my posts, and this becomes my title. Today, I am unsure where this will go. I have so many things that I am worried about, and there is an underlying icky feeling beneath those worries, so I feel that my thoughts will come out and not make much sense. We'll see.
We went to my parents for a week. It was to be our family vacation. I was stressed about going because, as I wrote lat post, we had five hundred dollars to make it for two weeks. Well, upon leaving, David told me that we had three hundred and eighty dollars to go to East Hampton with. This began the theme of our vacation. Granted, we were staying for free at my parents, and they were kind enough to feed us. That was actually something I was unsure they were going to do, and it came as a relief and a surprise. My mom and dad literally rolled out the welcome mat, and treated us wonderfully. My mother cooked and my dad bought wine. We ate and drank like kings. Yet, I had this terrible knawing feeling inside the entire week, that we were doing something wrong. That we were imposing on my parents, and that we should not be out and about in "the Hamptons", the land of the have and have nots. We, were definitely, a have not. We had to think of ways to entertain our daughters everyday, for free. We went to the beach. We went back to the beaches of David's childhood. My girls played at the same shores that their Dad played at when he was a boy. There was a day, that I actually realxed. David had all three of the girls with him, and I sat in a beach chair, planted in the sand, where the small waves were rolling in. The water was all around me. I was soaking in the sun, and listening to the beach sounds. Fifteen minutes of real, stress free, relaxation. My girls and David were beaming from their beach excursion. 
When we left, and got to the car, we got a ticket for $125.00 for not having a beach sticker. I cried for almost an hour. Why does just an hour and a half of fun, and relaxation, come at such a high cost for us. Why, with all of the people, THOUSANDS of them, all coming out to the Hampton beaches, and THOUSANDS of them with NO STICKERS, why is my family the one to be made the example? Why does this shit happen to my family?
The rest of our time there was now spent worrying about how not to get another ticket. My dad actually offered to drop us off at the beach, and pick us up when we were ready. I suddenly felt 15 again. Thank you Dad, but no thank you. We couldn't take our girls out to lunch. We couldn't go to the cute ice cream store in town and get them a cone, because it costs 6 bucks each, and sprinkles are an extra dollar. As I write this, I know I sound whiney, and spoiled. I am sorry for this. I suppose that there are worse things than being in East Hampton, with no money. It was really more about the big picture for me. I see the stress and worry in David's face. I know how long we have not been able to pay our mortgage for. I knew we could not return home to Pennsylvania, because our refrigerator was empty, and we had to wait until our food stamp money was available, so we could go grocery shopping. These are the things that upset me. I just want us to be. I just want us to thrive as a family, and not worry about money. I don't want it to shape our every move, and determine what we are capable of doing. I don't want to alway have this knawing feeling inside of me, that simply having a family is something I cannot afford, and I am doing a bad thing. I don't want much. Either does David. We want to get the mail, witout a feeling of dread, and just write checks to cover our expenses. I want to be able to take my 70 year old parents out to dinner, and treat them as they have been treating me my whole life. I want to see the worry lines fade from David's face, and my own. I want my girls to be able to play on the sand that their Dad played on without it costing us a weeks worth of food. I want to be able to go to the cute ice cream parlor in town, and not worry about sprinkles. I want my beautiful family to just flourish, and I want to just be able to enjoy them, instead of being panicked each and every day. I don't want to live in fear.
I don't want David to have to go to Iraq for 6 months to be able to pay our bills. I don't want to have this feeling of dread, and fear, and panic, and guilt, and anxiety, and worry, and shame anymore. I just want us to be.