Drowning.

Yesterday, David said that within thirty days, he would have his orders to go to Afghanistan. It looks like the end of August. He will leave here, and be gone for 6 months. It is such a long time away, I cannot really wrap my head around it. I don't know when to tell the girls. I don't know how we will even comfort them. I can't even comfort myself. I think of David, sacrificing all of his comforts, and time with all of us, and possibly his life, all to make us financially whole, and I feel angry. I feel like this is unfair. He is so smart, and educated. He is such an incredibly hard worker. I have these fantasies of him standing on the deli line in the supermarket, and talking with someone, and they can see the kind of man he is. They are CEO of some hugely successful company, and they offer him a job, on the spot. The salary is huge. The benefits are amazing. We are pulled from our drowning state. For the first time, we can breathe.
I cannot go anywhere today. I have almost no gas. We have no money in the bank, and payday is not until Friday, and it is only Tuesday. The baby had me up all night, sick with a very high fever. I am working on little sleep. Olivia has only half days for the rest of the week, and then summer vacation. I am filled with dread at having all three of them with me, all day, everyday, for the next two plus months. Yet there is a very dark feeling I have that this should be a summer we enjoy. What if something happens to David? What if he does not come back? As much as I am overwhelmed with the thought of this summer, what if this is the summer that I replay in my mind for the rest of my life. It is too painful to go to that thought most of the time, but it seems to be overshadowing everything. I am unsure if David should do this. I know we would better in so many ways if he did, but what if?
What if?