Monday, January 3, 2011


Hello Monday.

Back to the grind. I welcome it. Christmas and New Years wrapped up and put away for another year. This holiday season was the best. I loved every minute of it. I put stress away for over a week. So did David. We just relaxed, and watched the girls soak in every bit of it. We didn't get in one fight! Today is Monday, and I woke up feeling renewed. The girls are now at school, and the house is back in order, and every last light, and sparkle has been removed.

In the past, I normally felt sad that it was all over. This year, not so much. I feel like I have lots of little projects planned for myself, and that the winter will move quicker than we think, as it always does, so I am already dreaming about Spring, and stringing lights outside, and hanging a candle chandelier from a particulary strong, and well placed limb, that extends right over my "conversation area" on our deck.

This could be our last Spring/Summer season here. I want to make it really nice. I think that if I change the way I think, meaning, maybe go into all the changes that I believe are on the horizon, in a positive, embracing, way, than only good things can happen. I have always been a glass half empty person, my whole life. I am tired of that. I am tired of creditors, and banks, telling me how my life is going to go. To them, I say, those days are over.

Growing up is scary. I feel like I should be grown up already. But it is still happening. Each day. Some days, I feel like someone is going to knock on my door, and tell me that there has been a mistake. The children are going with them. I am simply too immature, and not together enough to be in charge of them. In my mind, some days, I feel like I am still 17.

I remember, a few weeks before my grandmother died, many of us went to visit her, as my Aunt had called us there, in fear that she was not going to be here that much longer. I loved my Dad's mother. She was from Ireland, and even though she had lived more years on US soil than she had in Ireland, her brogue was very heavy. She had pretty blue eyes, and they appeared larger than their actual size, due to the thick lenses on her glasses. They were sweet, and tender looking.

My cousin Jennifer and I were lying on her bed, and she was telling us about meeting our grandfather, and how nervous she was getting married, and about her wedding night. It was amazing to hear such personal information from her. I remember her saying how she was  shocked at how quickly the years just go. She said she looks in the mirror, and there she sees the face of an old woman. Yet inside, she still feels 17. She still feels like a young girl. She died a few weeks later. It was really a moment that we shared with her, that I cherish. I wish she could have met my family.

It still amazes me that she felt like that. That inside of my old grandmother, was a young, giggly girl. I guess we all feel like that at times. Some days I feel out of touch with that young girl. Some days, I want to curl up in the fetal position, and show everyone that I still am that young girl, and please, would somebody just make everything better already!

Today, I feel somewhere between 17 and 39. Not quite young, but definitely not old. I feel ready. Ready for change. And maybe, just maybe, the Welcome mat will be rolled out for it.

1 comment:

  1. Erin, take your frame of mind right now, and seal it into a bottle for when you need it again. This sounds so much better than feeling defeated....