Heart

Wide awake at 2 a.m.  So was David. We both never went back to sleep. Funny enough, neither one of us was up due to stress. I haven't felt overwhelming stress since before the holidays. That is around the time when we both decided to let our house go. Amazingly, I don't cringe when the phone rings. I don't dread the visits to the mailbox. Don't get me wrong...there is a constant dull ache of stress at all times... just not the kind where I lay  awake half the night trying to will my heart to beat slower.

Speaking of my heart...I am seeing a cardiologist on Wednesday. I have had palpitations for a year, on a daily basis. I realize a diet heavy in anxiety, and worry, will do this. I thought if I ignored it, it would just go away. It has not. I know my blood pressure is not good either. Very high, lets just leave it at that. I can sometimes hear my heart beating, and the blood swishing through my veins, when I am about to snap. I also have something in my throat. It comes and goes, but it feels like something is stuck in it. I was in a bit of a frenzy the other day, and diagnosed myself with throat cancer, and had actually begun, in my mind, to divide up my small amount of treasures equally among my girls. I welled up at several times thinking of my children growing up without a mother, and mentally cursed David for bringing home some woman, way too soon after my death, and she had horrible taste, and never bonded with my girls, and didn't teach them all of the things that I hold so dearly, because she didn't appreciate any of those things. It was awful. And then, I just made my self stop thinking about this woman, and my sickness, and fell into one of the nicest weekends we have had in a while.

Movies, and naps. A slow, and steady snow fall. Pizza delivered. David cooked breakfast Sunday morning...the house still smells like bacon....and we had an afternoon tea party with the girls. China and all. The girls even raised their pinkies as they sipped their tea. David put on Beethoven, and we all spoke in British accents.

We decided to have more tea parties. I hope we do. Life has a way of getting away from you. You forget to do the tiny little things, because some days, it is just too much of a pain in the ass. Most days, I am in a constant race just to get it all done, and get them all in bed.

I realize, I have missed so much. I have watched the girls, but I have not really seen everything. I have listened to them in the room with me, but I have not really heard them. I have held them, but I have not touched them in the way that I want to.  I have demanded respect, but have fallen short on giving it. I thought my love went unspoken. I see that some days, it is barely audible. I struggle everyday with being a mother, and a wife. Some days it blows. Some days, I am ashamed of myself, and my words. Most days actually.

I feel really pleased about our weekend. I want to be that person, more often.

She is really so nice.