Thursday, January 20, 2011


Snow on the ground. More on the way. The sun is shining, but it still seems gloomy out there. I was thinking about bulbs in the ground yesterday. I wonder what they are up to. Are they still sleeping, or are they beginning to stir. I hope February and March go quickly. All those trees out side of my window look so cold without their leaves.

I was also thinking about struggle. I was thinking about my friend. She is trying so hard to have a baby. She has had a few miscarriages. Time is ticking. Loudly. Her life is in such an optimal place right now. She would be such a beautiful mother. She married a man who just looks like he should be holding an infant. They are trying so hard to bring a child into their lives. It is heartbreaking to watch. I cannot imagine enduring it.

It makes me feel silly for getting so upset about money, and foreclosure. It makes me feel bad not wanting to listen to the constant chatter of my daughters. Fertility came to me, with such abundance. I thought about having a baby, and I would be pregnant within weeks. I lost one pregnancy. It was sad. The wondering. What could have been. But I never feared not being able to have another baby. Never crossed my mind.

I think about my friend, surrounded by women in her life, all with children. Babies everywhere. Some friends having babies that were unplanned, and not so thrilled about. It must sting. Some days, it must be too much to bear. She said to me yesterday, "To ache for a baby is like having an empty hole inside of you that is just left open".

I like to think that baby is out there for them. Like a sleepy, dormant bulb, buried under the frozen ground. The time is not quite right yet. But when it is ready, it will emerge, and transform it's surroundings. And transform my friend into the beautiful mother she is ready to become.

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