Thursday, July 29, 2010

Dull girl

Olivia has a fever. She woke me up this morning, shaking me, saying she felt like she was going to throw up. Being thrust ot of your sleep, and onto your feet within seconds really gets the heart rate going. She proceeded to vomit and it landed inches away from the hardwood floor, onto the rug. I felt angry that she just couldn't have made it onto the floor, and why did it have to now be on the carpet? Why did she wake me up at all, and had not just gone into the bathroom and vomited? Now the vomit was on the carpet, sinking deeper into it with each passing second. I rushed her into the bathroom, and she finished up the deed, into the toilet. She was crying, and dry heaving, and what did I do? I left her alone because I was preoccupied with the mess on the rug. I wanted to clean it up. I told her, I would be right back, and I cleaned. Nice. 
I was awoken last night by Olivia three times. Her fever caused her to have nightmares. She came to tell me about them. She also got cold, and at some other point, she was thirsty. I also was awoken about four times by Molly, and her constant need to nurse throughout the night. She wakes up screaming. Like a fire alarm sounding in the middle of the night. I am tired. I now will be in the house, all day, with the girls, and I will have to fight the impulse that I have to run out of the house. I just want to close the door behind me, and run to the car, and pull away. I want to go to the scary bar, by the rail road tracks, and order a beer, and smoke.
The only thing I can compare this to, is if you never left your office. Ever. If you were expected to sit in your cubicle, and perform your job, non-stop. Except at this job, you don't get a coffee break, or a lunch break, or get to bullshit with your co-workers. You don't get to go out for drinks after work on a Thursday night. You don't get a three day weekend. You are there, constantly. Day after day. Throughout the night. Hour after hour. No break. Constant child care. Sleep does not bring you rest. Just resentment.
I try and explain this to David. I try and make him see how I don't think that I am very effective at my job anymore. He says he "doesn't deal in hypotheticals". That's too bad. 
All work and no play.....

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