Monday, July 25, 2011
This part of Summer moves too quickly. Back to School sales are everywhere. Already. David and I talked about possibly going to Long Island for Labor Day weekend. One last trip to the beach. Charlotte wants bangs cut in her hair for the first day of 1st grade...*dislike bangs*...and we made the girls dust off their Summer packets of school work that they were supposed to working on daily. I realized that I have not been good about entering all that they have been reading for the Summer reading club at the Library. All that I thought this Summer was going to be, has morphed into one quite different than what I had thought. Like everything else, I suppose.
I am turning 40 in a few weeks. I am having a hard time with this birthday. I feel officially older. I have always felt young. It seemed to take forever to get out of my twenties. Each birthday felt like I was a little bit more validated as a grown up. Thirty didn't bother me. My life really bloomed that year. I met and married David, and life began. I have been busy being Mom, and wife.
Now that the years of having babies are over, and the concentration is on raising good people, I have taken a moment to think about what is next. Where will we be in a year. What does the next decade hold. I worry about my health. I worry about the person my girls think I am, and I see so much room for improvement. I know I can do better. I know what is inside of me.
Olivia told me yesterday that she doesn't want to die. Ugh....she is so my child. I recall having those thoughts at her age. I still have them. I sometimes become overwhelmed that I have possibly lived half of my life. I am creeping closer to not being here anymore. I don't want to miss a second of anything. I want to know my girls when they are old ladies. And I want to be a part of every moment in between now and then. But I won't see that through with them.
That makes me cringe inside, sometimes .I was there when they drew their first breaths. I sometimes feel like when they are little old ladies, taking their last breaths, I should be there with them. I should be holding their hand, and stroking their hair.