Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Sleep walking

Cool nights with the sliding glass doors open have made for some of the best nights sleeps that I have had in so long. Deep, long sleeps. I have actually been waking up feeling rested, and find myself during the day wondering if something that flashes in my mind was real, or a dream.

My sleep has been restorative. Yet I can't finish a task. I can't seem to put the laundry away. I put off giving the baby a bath, for yet, another day, and wipe her down with baby wipes. I have lists in my mind of all the things that I need to be doing, but I can't quite seem to get anything done. Even cooking meals and putting dirty dishes away has become a struggle. I just don't run very efficiently. Maybe I am just realizing how pointless the constant cycle of cleaning is. I know it is necessary, but what a huge waste of time.

And my mind is a million miles away. Part of it worried about so much. Part of it stressed, because worry and stress are two totally different things for me.Part of it has so many grand plans, and then there is a small part that it totally out to lunch. I just can't get it all together. I have been showering later and later in the day. I feel happy that some days, I got myself together at all.

Charlotte asked me to come to her school and talk to her class on "What's it all about day". That's a day at her school when parents come in and talk about what they do for a living. Olivia wanted me to do that a few years ago, but I was cleaning houses then, and it made me want to cry that she was proud of me. Charlotte thinks it's great that every Friday, my column is in our local newspaper, complete with a photo of me. And both the girls think it's great when someone around here recognizes me, which happens a few times a month. They think I am famous.

I told her I would come and talk to her class, yet I don't know what to say. I don't know what 6 year olds would want to hear about. And I really don't feel like I am doing much of anything these days, except worrying. And trying to remember something that is gnawing away at the back of my thoughts, but I can't remember what it is, but I know it's important.

 And how I have no patience to even talk to Charlotte lately, but she is proud of me.

That makes me want to cry.


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  2. Erin, I recently found your blog through the Pocono Record and have read and read and read... and cried, laughed and commiserated. I have been through so many of the same problems over the last few years and feel almost as if I am reading my own thoughts in your blog. I have felt broken, not understanding why all these bad things happened to me and my family (and continued to happen over and over).

    I can promise you that at some point, the suck fest will come to an end and good things will happen all at once.

    As a writer myself, I know the power of having a creative outlet and I wish that I had used my talent to write about what I was going through at the time as you have here. If only I had reached out and found others who were going through the same thing, my days might not have been quite as dark and filled with dismay. Thank you for having the courage to tell your stories - you are helping more people than you probably realize. I wish wonderful things for you and your beautiful family!