My sleep has been restorative. Yet I can't finish a task. I can't seem to put the laundry away. I put off giving the baby a bath, for yet, another day, and wipe her down with baby wipes. I have lists in my mind of all the things that I need to be doing, but I can't quite seem to get anything done. Even cooking meals and putting dirty dishes away has become a struggle. I just don't run very efficiently. Maybe I am just realizing how pointless the constant cycle of cleaning is. I know it is necessary, but what a huge waste of time.
And my mind is a million miles away. Part of it worried about so much. Part of it stressed, because worry and stress are two totally different things for me.Part of it has so many grand plans, and then there is a small part that it totally out to lunch. I just can't get it all together. I have been showering later and later in the day. I feel happy that some days, I got myself together at all.
Charlotte asked me to come to her school and talk to her class on "What's it all about day". That's a day at her school when parents come in and talk about what they do for a living. Olivia wanted me to do that a few years ago, but I was cleaning houses then, and it made me want to cry that she was proud of me. Charlotte thinks it's great that every Friday, my column is in our local newspaper, complete with a photo of me. And both the girls think it's great when someone around here recognizes me, which happens a few times a month. They think I am famous.
I told her I would come and talk to her class, yet I don't know what to say. I don't know what 6 year olds would want to hear about. And I really don't feel like I am doing much of anything these days, except worrying. And trying to remember something that is gnawing away at the back of my thoughts, but I can't remember what it is, but I know it's important.
And how I have no patience to even talk to Charlotte lately, but she is proud of me.
That makes me want to cry.