Monday, May 17, 2010


I have been wanting to write for weeks now. I have been unable to for so many different reasons. Sick kids, busy life, no time, crying, whiny baby at my side, day in and day out, not letting me have even thirty minutes peace. It has been trying. Sometimes maddening. A lot of times maddening. Like right this very moment, my little Molly is pulling on me, and scratching and crying. Charlotte is asking me fifty questions. I want to cry. Some days, I want to run out of the house screaming, and not look back. I never would, but  the impulse is so strong some days. 
I think another reason that I have been unable to write is sometimes, when you put something down about yourself in print, and you have been honest, it is hard to look at. It is painful to see the person and the life you have, as opposed to the one that you want other's to believe that you have. Or the one you would like to believe you have.My husband does not like that I have mentioned that we are requiring food stamps to help feed us all, at this time. I almost feel required to write, "at this time". Like it hasn't always been like that, and it won't be like this for long. He is ashamed, I am ashamed. It makes me sad to be ashamed of who I am sometimes. I want to feel proud, and successfull. I don't want to always have to work so hard, to never get ahead.
I am working on little sleep, and a lot of stress. David told me to garden today. Plant my basil. It is good for the soul. I am hoping he is right.  

1 comment:

  1. I hope you had a chance to plant the basil. I spent a lot of time swinging a mattock (it is like a pick axe) over the weekend in the garden - instead of sitting inside and crying with the frustration of my life right now. I wish you lived down the road - Willa and I could play with Molly and you could sip a cocktail! Your honesty is inspiring and urges me on in seeking that in my own life. Be proud of that - it is beautiful!