Choice

The lights are on. We were not disconnected. I called the electric company. I pleaded with them. I actually cried to the operator on the phone. How mortifying. But I could not help the tears from coming. We had to pay $875.00 to bring us current, or we were indeed going to be in the dark. Don't think that it did not cross my mind to let us be in the dark. I envisioned nights by candlelight, and grilled dinners. Quiet, unplugged times with our girls. Sounds nice, in theory, yet the reality of what it would actually be,  was what snapped me back. Whiny kids, driving us nuts, wanting to watch a movie. Freezing cold bath water. Having to make runs for ice to keep our food cold in a cooler. No computer. No TV. No escape.
The $875.00 was quickly coughed up. We just did not make our May mortgage payment. That makes me laugh when I think about it. The choice was to keep our lights on, or keep a roof over our head. We opted to play phone tag with the mortgage company for the next month. Our lights are on, in a home we can't pay for. That is the irony of our life. The daily, weekly, and monthly choices we must make, just to get through a day. I have cried, and stomped my feet more times than I can about this. It has reached the point of it being acceptable. These terrible choices we make, are just a way of life. Until a better day I suppose. I feel that day coming sometimes. Each time, my cell phone rings, I think it is the news we have been waiting for. The day of relief. The stress free portion of our life will now commence.
We have made a choice recently to end our financial suffering. My David is going to Afghanistan in the fall, for 6 months. He will be making six figures, tax free, in exchange for volunteering his time in a terribly, dangerous place. We are faced with choosing to risk his life, to better all of ours. It is such an unbelievably, scary, and sad choice. I cannot begin to express how frightened I am by this choice.
 My heart is broken.