Thursday afternoon still

Happy Anniversary

When I met my husband David, it was not instant love. More like instant like. Every time I saw him, I was happy. We would bump into each other after work, in the same bars, and we would hang out with one another, until it was just the two of us left, our friends having gone, unnoticed. Telling the Cliff note versions of our life, and making them sound a little better than they probably were at the time. 

It went into fast forward after that, and suddenly, I knew. The kind of knowing when I felt taller walking down the street, and anxious to greet the day. The kind of love complete with birds tying ribbons in my hair. It was amazing. He was it. I mean "it". I recall telling my father this, over grilled cheese sandwiches in a diner. He looked like he was going to choke. I had not brought David around to my parents yet, as I had dragged way too many toads home in the past, and I really just wanted this to be all for me. All for us.


 Everything fell into place so quickly, and so naturally. He proposed, on bended knee, after asking my Dad for permission. We had a beautiful wedding, and soon after, found out we were welcoming our first baby. It was, and has been, a magical time in my life. The time I had been looking forward to for so long. I still sometimes pinch myself, and can't believe my good fortune.

Soon after moving here to Pennsylvania, reality set in. House. Baby. Strange surroundings. It was tough. David commuted to NJ. We were getting by, but just barely. Then job loss hit, and a huge pay cut followed. It has us really just clawing by. Some weeks, we are barely able to scrape to the end of the week. Some days, I feel like my family was just getting started, and we have been stopped, mid-flight.

It can be really hard. It can wreak havoc on even the strongest marriages. I loathe fighting about money, or in our case, the lack of it. It makes me steamed that some days, financial stress can really put a wall up between us. Such a silly thing to fight about, yet one of the biggest reasons why marriages fail.

Each day is a stress. Each bill has us scratching our head as to how, or when it will be paid. But we make it. Our version of making it, anyway. And I know so many families, right now, doing the same. Borrowing from Peter, to pay Paul. And so it goes.

Today, we are married for 9 years. David called me from work this morning to tell me Happy Anniversary. He also said that it has been tough. Some days are filled with so much uncertainty. So much pressure. But he said he wouldn't change a thing. Not a minute of it.

Me neither, my love.

Scenes from a weekend

The weekend came and went. It was really an un-ordinary few days. But it was really great, just the same.

The rain was really relaxing, and a good excuse to just stay in, and not feel bad about it at all. And falling asleep to it was even better.

A walk by the river seemed like a good idea. Except for the swarms of mosquitoes, and my crippling fear of bears. Makes every cracking stick and rustling in the leaves terrifying.

Sadly, I missed the opening of my moonflower. I saw that it was about to blow open in the late afternoon. I wanted to sit and watch it, as it opens to a full bloom in about a minute, right before your eyes. I have been stalking it. As I was cleaning up from dinner, I thought of it, and when I went outside to look at it, it had just bloomed.

There is another bud. So I will wait.



*Parenting observation: orange juice goes down in copious amounts when served in very tiny tea cups.

Giveaway

Today is my 250th post. That isn't a huge number, but it is a lot of writing about happiness, and pain, stress, and nothing much at all. I have met so many amazing people, and have been offered so much encouragement. Some days, it has gotten me through the hours.

 I started this writing process as a way to vent. A place to put all my crap, so it didn't take over my whole life. Some days, it is a chore, but most days, I step away from my computer feeling lighter. Feeling stronger.

This peony grew in the front of my home, this past Spring. I watched it every day, and it dazzled me more than I can say. It also offered me hope. I can't explain why, but each morning, I photographed it, and stared at it, and it soothed something in me.

I wish I could give something to everybody that has shared such personal thoughts with me. I simply can't. But if you leave me a comment, I will pick a name out of a hat on Monday morning, and send this 7" print to the person whose name is drawn.

It isn't much, and I so wish it could be more, but this peony really offered me comfort. I know that sounds silly, but it's simple beauty, and what it revealed about itself with each new day was very symbolic for me.

Thank you for visiting my blog, and reading my crazy rants, and offering a pat on the back, and words of understanding. I am in such good company.

RSVP

For the past two weeks, I have been doing something that I myself, find extremely rude, and inconsiderate. I received an invitation to a family event on Long Island. A party at a restaurant in celebration of a wonderful event. Instead of RSVP'ing right away, I sat on it.

I waited to make the call. I wanted so badly to attend. I have not seen some of this side of the family in a while. And the last time that was, we were at a funeral. I so wanted to attend a happy gathering. Not one marked with sadness.

I wasn't sure what our money situation was going to be. We had a stack of bills to pay on payday, and every red cent after that is so tightly budgeted, I know it was silly of me to be hopeful, but I was. I somehow thought that we would be able to attend.

But, we can't. We can't because we account for every dollar and cent so carefully, that filling the car with gas two times in a day, and paying for tolls pushes us over the edge. A simple family gathering is not possible for us, because we can't afford it. If we go, then we don't eat next week. That simple.

Most days, I am OK with how we live. Some weeks, after careful food shopping, and meal planning, and diaper purchases are made, we make it to payday. Some weeks, we literally have sixty cents left in the bank. Other weeks, I am sneaking into the girls rooms, and removing dollar bills from their piggy banks, feeling like a thief. But, we always make it. Yet, there is never any wiggle room.

I am not talking about wiggle room that would entertain us. Or take us on a vacation, or out to dinner. That is completely off the table.I don't care about that. I am talking about just having enough extra to not have a panic attack over going to the gas station. Enough extra to not feel like we are doing something wrong by just wanting to get together with family, and celebrate.

I finally called and RSVP'd. I had to give some song and dance of an excuse why we wouldn't be attending. I had to apologize for how late I was calling. I guess I thought maybe there would be some way to swing it, if I just waited a little bit longer. I could hear my cousins voice. He sounded like he didn't buy my excuse.

I didn't buy it either.

Manifest

I have started to really bite my nails again. I haven't done it in so long. Occasionally, I will nibble at one or two when worry creeps in. But the last week or two, I have really gone to town. Cuticles and all. I bit them too low, and they hurt. It is painful to pick up small items. And they look terrible. My stress is now physically reminding me that it is there, if I only forget about it for a moment.

David came home yesterday, and made dinner. He makes this really yummy pasta with tons of garlic. He was slicing it, and thought it smelled mellow, and put his fingers beneath my nose. I didn't smell garlic. I smelled cigarettes.

Stress is just here. It doesn't seem to be leaving any time soon. It is no longer talked about. Never mentioned actually. We carry on like it is any other day, and have no plans, yet the future seems so uncertain. Too much wine certain evenings makes everything dull. But in the morning, it's still there. It hasn't gone anywhere.

I had a dream the other night of a house, with high ceilings. And beautiful moldings. There were double hung windows, with rippled glass. It made everything outside seem blurry, and distorted. I was standing in a house that didn't exist looking out at a world that wasn't really there.

My fingers ache just thinking about it.

Poised

I have been waiting for the Moonflower seeds I sprinkled in my window boxes to grow and bloom all summer. They didn't do much of anything all season, and then in August, delicate vines sprouted. And now, something is poised to open. I have been getting up everyday, and going outside to check if the bloom has opened. I am so excited to see it. I worried about it in the cold of last night.

And Charlottes pumpkin plant. Like a Jack and the Beanstalk, right on our front deck. She kept those seeds all winter, and talked me into letting her have the whiskey barrel planter for her own. Her "garden", she calls it. We have watched the vine grow and stretch. Male flower after male flower has blossomed, and fallen away. I keep looking for a female, but the light is bad here. I think that a pumpkin is not meant to be. But everyday, we check. Hopeful.