I haven't visited this writing space lately. What once was my respite, is now a diary, that maybe, I revealed too much in. I said too many personal things, and put it all down in a spot that I thought nobody would ever see.
But now I feel gagged. I feel the words that once felt so good to put down on the virtual page, have been read. My safe place has become almost a place that I avoid. The words are all still there. Stabbing my finger tips like a million little pin pricks. Dying to get out of my over crowded head, and away from my heavy heart.
I would tell you how bad things seem to me right now, if I could. I would tell you how terribly down, and worried I feel, but I can't. I would explain to you that what I have and what I want are so very far apart from one another, it seems they will never join forces. I would tell you how very hard we have worked to get absolutely no where, and the frustration that has become all consuming, but I can't reveal the nitty gritty of it.
I so want to, but then my phone rings, or the lady at the supermarket questions me, and I just don't want anyone to really know how terribly badly I am failing right now.
Because I know I am. And I don't want it pointed out to me.
I know I am.
But now I feel gagged. I feel the words that once felt so good to put down on the virtual page, have been read. My safe place has become almost a place that I avoid. The words are all still there. Stabbing my finger tips like a million little pin pricks. Dying to get out of my over crowded head, and away from my heavy heart.
I would tell you how bad things seem to me right now, if I could. I would tell you how terribly down, and worried I feel, but I can't. I would explain to you that what I have and what I want are so very far apart from one another, it seems they will never join forces. I would tell you how very hard we have worked to get absolutely no where, and the frustration that has become all consuming, but I can't reveal the nitty gritty of it.
I so want to, but then my phone rings, or the lady at the supermarket questions me, and I just don't want anyone to really know how terribly badly I am failing right now.
Because I know I am. And I don't want it pointed out to me.
I know I am.
I'm sorry you're having such a rough time right now.
ReplyDeleteI just recently had the EXACT same experience.. I went out looking for a new free blog site that no one I know would read.. not easy to find a good one. It's so stifling. I want to write. I am so mad at myself for taking away my anonymity. Judgement is so toxic.. writing is so freeing. need to find a way :(
ReplyDeleteYou're not failing, there are plenty of us out there right there with you. You just have the balls to talk about it out loud. And screw people for trying to make you feel bad for talking about it. I miss you in this space.
ReplyDeleteBut I also know how you feel. Find another place to write it all down. Just getting it out can be so therapeutic. You are not alone. xo
I AM...so many of these same things.
ReplyDeleteWe're stronger than we really want to be, I promise you that. Now I'm missing you...