When I first started writing here, in this space, I did it because I had no where to go with all the stuff in my head. Too much stress, and pressure needed a place to go, so I could attempt to be a good mom, despite feeling like I wanted to check myself into a psych ward.
I wondered if it would ever be read. And slowly, it began to happen. There were mixed feelings. I liked that it was being read, but it made me feel more vulnerable. And really, at first, I thought, I should just delete the whole thing.
Now that I have readers, here, where I live, and friends, and family, I feel like I don't spill my guts like I used to. Like I avoid the one thing that gave me calm, and a place to put it all. Instead of venting like I used to, I feel guarded, and that I can't put it out there anymore. Like too many people I know are reading my diary.
I say all of this, because there are so many things that I want to say here, but I worry that I just can't put it here, because I fear what people will think or do. The truth is I have such an unbelievable amount of stress going through my head right now, and I have no one to talk to about it, and no where to put it.
My writing used to be an escape. Now, it just adds to the pressure in my head.
I hate having no where to go with this.