Monday, August 1, 2011

Laundry list

 The last few days of being 39. The number 40 seemed like light years away when I was younger. I know I am not old. But I am getting older. And along with me, so is everyone else I love, and care about. And to be truthful, I am a bit vain about this upcoming birthday. I never thought I would get here. And here it is. Approaching. Bearing down.* Ugh.*

I have been thinking about what I have learned in all of these years. What makes me, me. There is too much to list here. To much to even process in my own head. But I thought I might try and come up with a short list. So here it goes.

Family is everything. First, there is the family where you come from. They are your beginning in this life. And then you fly the nest, or flee the coop in some cases, and make a life for your own. And the family you make is everything. And then you realize just how damn hard it can be at times, and that you should not blame your parents for anything.They did their best. And some days, I don't even do that. It is incredibly hard, and incredibly beautiful. And then some.

Humor works. Always.

I loathe "pop-overs". Hate! Not the kind that come out of the oven. The kind that show up at your front door.

I don't return calls. I am awful with that. Always have been. And when things get sucky, or the going gets tough, the tough do not always get going. The tough sometimes crawl onto the couch, and watch Real Housewives, and don't answer the phone.

Friends come in the most unlikeliest of packages. And friends who you thought were gone forever, sometimes come back when you least expect it. Never give up on anyone.

You MUST marry your best friend. Not the bad boy. But the one that made you dinner. And only bought one bottle of wine. (I am Irish, after all!)

Plans change. Even when they seem set in stone, they can disappear, right before your eyes. It might not mean something better is coming. Maybe it just means that it saved you from something worse.

My children are evidence of the love David and I have. That still amazes me. I don't always like them, but Ilove them, and understand what it means to be willing to die for someone.

I am a great cook, and I apparently have a green thumb. Two things that have really surprised me.

I am awful in an emergency. Blood, crashes, fire, all of it. I panic, and scream. I cannot hold it together ever in a crisis. I can't even fake it for the sake of the kids.

I hate being in fast cars, but I love driving fast.

I never should have satisfied my life long curiosity of chicken fried steak. Completely unnecessary. I still shudder at the memory.

I would like to be a better mom, and wife, and friend, and daughter, and sister, and cousin, and aunt. I am committed to attempting to do so.

I hold grudges. And the only one that it ever hurts in the end, is me. Stupid. And something I am trying to change.

I wish I really knew my mother. More importantly, I wish I knew if she liked me, as a person.

Eye contact is key. Be wary of the eye wanderers.

I won't accept no. I simply won't. I will fight, and exhaust everything and everyone in my path until I know that I didn't give up, and turned over every single stone.

I had 3 C-sections. I have never felt like I gave birth, and therefore, I am not as much of a Mom as the ones that have pushed their babies out.

I still cannot believe I am married, and have a family. Every time I am at my parents house, I visit my wedding dress that is hung in a closet there. I take the shoes out and try them on. I look at the swirl pattern on the bottom of the sole, and smile, thinking of myself dancing.

I am lucky. In every way. I have skated through this life. We are in a bit of a rough patch right  now, so the more I think about it, I really shouldn't complain.

I do believe, the best may be yet to come.

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