Wednesday, October 13, 2010


A friend of mine was going to pick Molly and I up today, and we were going to take our little girls to the roller rink. During the week, they have a playtime for preschoolers. They put on the skating lights, and play kids music, and the little one's can run around, or use their ride on toys. It is really fun for them. I layed in bed last night, somewhat excited that we had something to do today. Molly has been cooped up in the house with me, and it makes me feel bad for her. For us.  She loves seeing other babies, and playing with them. I was looking forward to giving her that chance today. However, my friend called this morning, and she canceled. Her little girl is sick. She is all congested. So, my play time with Molly is not going to happen. I could cry. I can't tell you how trapped I feel. Being here, day after day, walking from room to room, cleaning the same things, and seeing the same walls around me. I almost feel like I shouldn't even bother getting out of bed. What's the point?
I got up at 6:30 this morning, just to shower for this day, and be ready. I wanted to look nice. I wanted to make sure the house looked neat, before my friend arrived. I wanted to make sure I had time to fix my hair, and put on some makeup. I figured out how long everything was going to take me, as I was lying in bed last night. I feel so disappointed. I feel so frustrated, at all of these things that are my life, but not the life I want for us. They are controlling me. Having no money is changing the course of my life. It is dictating everything in my life. In our lives. The reigns are out of my hand. I am just holding on, hoping that the fall won't be violent. Heart pounding.
I spend my days caring for Molly. Doing small chores around the house, and preparing meals. I go on the Internet, and look for contests. I know that sounds sad, but I have the time, so I enter giveaways for cars, and cash. It is a small crumb of hope that I tuck in my pocket, and sometimes, that little bit of hope gets me through the day.
I had been praying. I have never been religious. I grew up with Roman Catholicism being jammed down my throat, so I really ran from it as soon as I could. But, like all good catholics, I constantly think, "what if?" You never know. I pray for us. Some days, I do not know who I am praying to. Most days, I guess I am praying to who ever will listen. I had been saying a "never known to fail" novena. My mother gave it to me. I was to say it for three days, and I would have my prayer answered.  I guess I thought that after three days, something magical, and life changing, would happen. Like a wish from a genie, granted, in an instant. It seems to have failed. Yet, I still have it, and feel compelled to try it again.
My mother sent me a letter yesterday, in the mail. It is a copy of a recent homily, from my parents pastor. It speaks about faith, and not losing it. About not losing trust in God through the hard times. Even the hardest of times, when your faith is tested the most. There is some quotes from scripture, about crying out to the Lord. Why isn't the Lord listening? I am unsure how , but there is a response from God, written in scripture, that says , God said........."Write down the vision, clearly upon the tablets, so that one can read it readily. For the vision still has it's time, presses on to fulfillment, and will not disappoint; If it delays, wait for it, it will surely come, it will not be late."
My mother thought that this might "inspire me". That is what she wrote to me. The homily went on to say that even though you may fear you are running out of faith, this is what God has to say about that......"And the apostles said to the Lord, "Increase our faith." The Lord replied, "If you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you would say to this mulberry tree, "Be uprooted, and planted in the sea," and it would obey you.
I write down the vision. It is clear. It can be read.
It is late.
It is delayed.
I am a mustard seed.

No comments:

Post a Comment