Friday, March 19, 2010


Direct deposit happens at twelve midnight. The fruit of my husbands labor for the last two weeks, quietly deposits into our checking account while we sleep. However, before my feet hit the ground in the morning, and I have even had my morning coffee, David has already been up for an hour and a half, paying bills that have let us know in a very urgent manner, that they need paying, quickly. By the time I take my morning pee, we are already down $600.00. Not much left to live on for the next two weeks. And the girls need Spring and Summer clothes, and the baby needs new stuff, and I keep being asked "when can we start ballet class??" Gulp....
I purchased a handbag for $850.00. Yes, indeed I did. $850.00. And I paid for a bike messenger to bring it to me, from Bergdorf Goodmans, to me, at my job, on Madison and 69th street, back in 1994. While I sipped a cappucinno, and carefully unwrapped the lovely silver box, and it's pretty tissue paper, I gave not a second thought that $850.00 was quietly removed from my checking account. Didn't care. Had plenty more. And I really needed that Gucci purse. It was Spring, and I had to pull together the entire Spring and Summer wardrobe I had carefully crafted all Winter long. This was the cherry on the top of the sundae. I would look stunning. I could carry my Camel lights, and lipgloss in the high style they deserved.
This Spring, I will be dusting off my Target purse from last year for myself. I will somehow whip up a wardrobe for my three litle ladybugs, and in the back of the closet, the Gucci sits. I see it. It is still smashing. Still lovely. It breaks my heart to see it sometimes. It represents a level of self indulgence, and disregard, that I never knew I had in me. It also makes me shake my head in shame, and realize that, I probably wouldn't like that girl if I met her today. Although I would have loved her look.
And it pisses the shit out of me, because I could really use that $850.00 bucks.

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