Tuesday, March 16, 2010

I need diapers.

Broke as a joke. Payday is not for another 3 days, and we have $40.00 bucks in the bank. And I have to get diapers. And I have to feed us all. And I have to somehow do this, and seem to appear unstressed in front of my 3 girls. Just another day in the life. We had a long period of unemployment, six months to be exact, and it was utterly painful. My stepson was living with us at the time, which was a living hell, and is a whole other story. I was pregnant. We found out we were having another baby in September of 2008, and then, my husband lost his job a month later. We lost our income, and our health insurance, all in one day. I was terrified, and I felt irresponsible. I had two small children and a teenage stepson depending on us, and then, to be pregnant on top of that was just too much. I had to apply for Medical assistance for all of us, and food stamps. The humiliation of having to send the county assistance office proof of pregnancy was really hard. I had not always lived like this. I didn't always stress about money. This period in my life was, and is new to me. I married for love. Total and utter love. THe kind where birds are tying ribbons in your hair, and I am happy I did. But love does not pay the bills. It might get you through stuff, but the living through it part is just unbearable at times. I used to sit, and think that if I could just have a date to mark on my calender, of when all of the stress, and misery, and the joblessness would end, I could get through it. The uncertainty of the situation, along with kids depending on you, was just the most terrifying aspect of it.
Fast forward to now, and we are indeed employed, but my husband was finally forced to take a giant pay cut, and we are still painfully broke, and unable to pay bills, or our mortgage. We are waiting and waiting for a loan modification, still depending on food stamps, and still just barely scraping by. Frustrating, stressfull....I need to know that date...I can get through this. Breathe..

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