Alone

Davids great uncle died the other day. His Uncle Al. He was 98. He was such a sweet man. Always dressed with a pressed shirt, and tie. A cute little sweater over that. Perfectly shined shoes. He had long eyelashes and sparkly blue eyes.

 His wife died a few years ago, and he has been so terribly sad since. Up until recently, he still signed her name along with his on birthday cards, and Christmas cards. Her name was Charlotte, just like my Charlotte, and he had a special place in his heart for my girl because of that. 

I have been working at the restaurant every night. We really need the money. David gets paid this Friday, so between all the bills we have, and the cars that are just barely getting us to and from our jobs, my tip money will help buy groceries. I couldn't go with David and the girls to Long Island, because I had to be at work, so they left yesterday without me, to go to the wake and funeral.

I always want time alone. I never get it. I constantly have a child with me. And if I don't, I am at work. I thought it would be fun to have some time alone. But watching them pull out of the driveway yesterday, in a car that I just prayed would get them there and back without overheating, or breaking down, I felt really stressed watching them go.

I thought I would relish in being alone. And actually, for about an hour, I did. But then it got really lonely. And the house was so quiet. And the girls rooms seemed so dark each time I passed by them. I read some of my book. I watched garbage on TV. I even took a nap. 

I finally went to bed, and at least I had the dogs to keep me company. All in all, it was lonely. 

BUT....I slept until 10:30!!! And the neat condition I left the living room and kitchen in, remained the same. I feel rested like I haven't in years. 

Amazing what a little sleep can do for you. Not so cloudy, up there, in my head,today.

I can't wait for the car to pull in the driveway, though.

 I miss and love those beings so very much.

Received both a 72 hour shut off notice for our water, and a 10 day shut off for our electric.

 Davids' car is in desperate need of repair, and so is mine. Not much cash until next week. I some days can't take the stress. I really can't. I have been working every night at the restaurant, yet we are barely scraping by. 

I can't take much more of this.

Oh yeah...did I mention the new dog? Pablo. He was headed to the pound. What could I say?

Separation of blog and column

So...what has had me struggling in this space for quite some time is that the posts I write here are published as my weekly column, in my local paper. This has crippled me. Literally, I have been unable to write. While I enjoy the column, and being published weekly, I do not enjoy the "notoriety". By this, I am speaking of everything I write about, be it good, or bad, being openly discussed every where I go. This includes the grocery store, Girl Scouts, Library, drug store, doctors office...you get where I am going with this. It is discussed with everyone, and to be honest, as I always try to be, it has left me feeling, dishonest.

Not lying, mind you. Just withholding information. I get that I have a blog, to be read by one and all. I really do. But when people start to read it, local people, in particular, it makes the relief of writing, and getting it out of my head, and throwing it into cyberspace (just aged myself!) not so anonymous anymore. I would like to vent about what is really paining me, or making me filled with joy, but some days, I just don't want one and all to discuss it with me. I just sort of hoped that by allowing you to peek into my diary, it would just sort of remain there, and not be up for a chat in the meat department. Silly, I know, but some days, I don't even want to go out in my own town, as I just don't want to talk about it. You know?

Really, it is the harsh words that hurt the most. When you put out your first world problems, expect to get it back. And I have, tenfold. Mostly wonderful reader comments. But some really nasty people out there make it a habit of talking down to me, and you know, I am made of flesh, and blood. It hurts. Especially when people criticize my parenting. That folks, is off limits, unless I have committed a crime. And I have not, so it borders on a little too close for comfort.

But, I got the go ahead from my editor to begin writing my columns in Word form, for word count purposes. This may seem like not much, but it is HUGE for me. I can separate the two. I can keep my space here, and most likely will have to endure some criticism, but I can take that. I loved this space, and it was beginning to feel like a place that I no longer wanted to deal with, as opposed to what it started out as.

Now, I can write my column. And it won't appear here, unless you click on the link above to specifically view it. I can just spew here, which I really could use to do.  I no longer feel like I have to make a post here, because I have a deadline. I can post just because I want to.

And that makes me feel so free.

 Thanks for sticking with me through this.  

11:59

Fancy names confuse me. Au jus always sounded silly to me. Just say some meat juice on the side. Bucolic is another word that makes me laugh. Just call it a pretty countryside.

Sequester is another word that has entered into my vocabulary and mind lately. Originally a legal term, it refers to the act of valuable property being taken into custody by an agent of the court and locked away for safekeeping. What it refers to as of late, are automatic spending cuts. Sequester sounds better than stating what it actually is. Cuts. And here, in my house, this will be a big deal.

My husband will be furloughed from his job. Another fancy word. Furlough. It sounds like your going somewhere. And really, you are. Just not to your job. He will lose a day of work once a week. That's four days a month he wont be paid for, which equals a lot. Food, gas. I would say that will surely take a hit. I like the actual definition for the word. "Leave of absence, esp. that granted to a member of the armed service" Granted??

What do these spending cuts mean outside of my house? Well, fellow Pennsylvanians, hold onto your seats. Here is the Cliff note version of what very well may go down for all of us.

If, and that's a tricky word, because let's face it, Congress will probably not get it together for the good of it's citizens, if the sequestrian were to take effect, here are just a few examples of who and what will feel the impact, this year alone.

Teachers and schools. (Always the first to go, I mean why not, right?) PA will lose around $21.4 million in funding for primary and secondary education. That translates into teachers, and aides jobs being at risk, and 29,000 fewer students being served and about 90 fewer schools being funded. Children with disabilities...eeks. They will feel it too. Funding will be cut for them, resulting in less teachers and aids who help them. Head start would be eliminated. Eliminated for about 2,300 children. Yeah, sorry kids. No more school for you.

Protection for clean air and clean water. How 'bout that! I mean, who needs clean air and water, right?

Military readiness is the doozy that will effect my family, aside from the teacher, school thingy, and water and air risk. 26,000 civilian Department of Defense employees will be granted that furlough. I am sure they are all excited about this. I know we can just sacrifice some pay. (that would have been written in sarcastic font if there was such a thing)

Oh yeah...law enforcement and public safety...they are going to lose some funds. That shouldn't be a big deal, right? Job training, Child care, Vaccines for kids, STOP violence against women program, Nutrition Assistant for Seniors, I mean cutting food assistance for older people seems logical to put on the chopping block, as well as Food safety. Yes! Food safety! 2,100 fewer food inspections could occur. I guess I'll skip the au jus.

Cuts to mental health in the form of leaving 373,000 seriously mentally ill adults and emotionally disturbed children could go untreated, but who's counting? FBI and customs, border patrol, aviation safety, Emergency responders, FEMA,medical research programs, small business assistance, Veteran services, Special Education, WIC, Homeless programs...the list goes on and on.  All on the chopping block. Be it cuts, or reduction in funding. Who needs WIC? It stands to reason that women, infants, and children should be expected to do without. All 600,000 of them. And lets not even mention the job loss. All of these programs have grease in the wheels. They will go if the wheel stops turning.

BUT! Here's the but. It's a big one! You ready? Loopholes will not be closed. Loopholes for the well off and the well connected. For hedge fund managers. Oil companies. Corporate jet owners. They are all going to be OK. I know you probably were getting concerned after seeing all that is on the chopping block as of 11:59 tonight. But rest assured. The well off, the top earners in this country, are going to be just fine.

It won't even be a bump on the bucolic road for 'em.

Apron strings

I attempted to work in a restaurant when I was in my 20's. OK, my late 20's. I had reached the point of a sort of crossroad in my life. One too many nights eating Captain Crunch in my bed alone for dinner, in my NYC apartment made me fearful of a future alone. The city is a hard place to live some days, and I was getting to the age of not being able to recover as quickly from late night partying, and carrying on. I actually went to bed at decent times, in anticipation of my work day. I was in a rut, and decided to cast it all aside, and head out to the beach for the summer, and sublet my apartment. I felt that if things were going to change in my life, I had to shake it up a bit.

My friend was managing a restaurant in Southampton, and gave me a job. I had no experience. Just a tremendous amount of retail management, which I assumed would translate seamlessly into being a great waitress. One of my first brunches, as I took a tables order, the man at the table behind me pulled on my apron string, and said, "Doll...get us the maple syrup". When I didn't respond quick enough for him, he did it again...this time..harder, and dropped the "Doll".

 I knew at that moment, I wasn't cut out for waiting tables, and so did my friend, the manager. I was quickly put upstairs, into an office, where I sat over piles of bills from liquor distributors, and stared at Excel spreadsheets, until my eyes blurred.

My stint in the restaurant world was short lived, as I was quickly recruited to manage another high end store, and did so for a few more years to come, until I married, and had my first baby. I literally worked up until my first labor pains, and looking back, I could really kick myself in the shin. Why the heck didn't I take a week or two off before delivering?  Did I not know I would never have a peaceful moment to myself EVER again??

So, fast forward a decade. My late twenties are a distant memory. Here I am at 41 (gulp) three kids later, and struggling, like lots of us are. My husband and I both work hard, and yet have nothing to show for it. When my friend suggested waiting tables, the man tugging on my apron string quickly flashed in my mind. Could I? Would I be able to? Would people laugh at me? I was never insecure in my twenties. But here I am, a whole lot smarter, yet feeling not so adequate.

I read something a few years back. It was an essay and I wish I could recall the author, but it was suggestions for a good life. One of them was to learn how to waitress. You will always work, it said, wherever you go. So I put my fears aside, and have given it a try.

 And you know, I learned something about myself. You can teach an old dog new tricks. Here I am, working with all these perky twenty somethings, and trying not to screw up too badly, which, trust me, I have...that computer system...ugh!...but I actually look forward to the nights I work at the Glen Brook Golf Club.

 I like talking to people, other than my kids. I like when it is busy, and I leave tired, and so very ready for bed, but knowing I have money in my pocket. I like not panicking when Charlotte lost a tooth last week, and I actually had singles for the tooth fairy. I liked saying yes to signing up my girl for softball, because the fee was a little more in reach this year, than it was last year. I like bills being paid, and not being afraid we will go without, because I have a couple of extra bucks to cover gas, and groceries.

Sometimes, life takes some funny turns. It doesn't always go as you had planned, but that can be a good thing, and really keeps things interesting. Sometimes, you have to shake it up a bit.

 Just don't tug on my apron strings.

That voice inside of you that tells you it isn't right. It knows. It isn't right.

The feeling in your gut that something isn't as it seems. It isn't.

The doubt you feel, the questions you have, the sheer feeling of knowing...you are correct.

Never silence that small voice. It is right.

 Every time.